On the subject of depression.....

I wish for words to describe
This nameless feeling which seeks
To engulf me
This vast ocean of mixed emotions
Which threatens to drown me
In its bottomless depths
Feebly I struggle
As wave after strong wave
Of utter hopelessness overpower me
Deep in my heart resides
Emptiness, pitch black and endless
As a starless night sky
Gaping, abysmal
Sucking out the life from inside me
In my mind,
I wrestle with the unyielding arms
Of despair
That relentlessly pulls me
As I struggle for balance
On the thin thread of hope
Beneath which
The pit of depression yawns

MY STORY

As I child I would often find myself getting sad for no reason, only this sadness was not like the type you feel after you get a scolding or thrashing from your parents. This was more pronounced and seemed to come right after I finished rejoicing about something. I had extreme periods of highs and lows, and in a moment I’d go from riding multiple waves of delight to sinking to depths of gloom. After a while it didn’t surprise me anymore and I actually began to predict some of these episodes. I didn’t know what, if anything was wrong with me.

In my teenage years, it continued but this time I had actual reasons to be depressed and I recognised it for what it was. At times I would watch my friends’ faces radiant with the joy of youth and wonder to myself why I was not a bit more like them. I would wish desperately that someone; anyone would see the constant turmoil of my heart and help me. I tried to be more like everybody else, young, carefree and living in the present. But my subconscious would not let me. It seemed like the depression had become this living shadow, stalking me and silently daring me to be happy. Even when I wasn’t thinking of things of the past (or the present, or the future, it really didn’t matter) it seemed like they were always around, tormenting me and preventing me from being normal.

The depression was like an almost constant blackness beyond which was a thick wall. No matter how much I tried to reach out, I always ended up hitting against the wall. I didn’t realise it then, but I was held prisoner by my very own self. By allowing issues to weigh down on me, I was robbing myself of the peace of mind that every child of God should have.
Depression stems from several issues. Lack of self esteem, anxiety, fear, rejection, failure, anger, bitterness..........I could go on and on. It’s easy to get depressed when you go through difficulties in life. The funny thing is that you will always find something dissatisfactory with your life. Getting depressed about it actually does nothing to change the situation.
Depression can make you into a somewhat selfish human being who is always looking inward. You ignore the love all around you because you either cannot see it or don’t think you deserve it.

I’m no expert on how to combat depression, but I find that prayer helps. There’s something amazingly comforting about knowing that there’s someone to whom you can pour out your innermost fears without being judged or laughed at. I find solace in the fact that God is always with me and knows everything. Once you acknowledge his omniscience, you’ll find that it’s a bit easier because you do not have to carry your burdens.
Someone said that one way to extenuate your problems is to concentrate on those of someone else. Being a friend to those around you is good medicine for the troubled soul.

Count your blessings. We’ve heard that statement over and over again. It’s startling in its truth and simplicity. If you actually take time to appreciate what you have, as little or insignificant as it may be, you might actually find some happiness. And speaking of which, dwell on the things that make you happy. To this day, I love sitcoms and generally comedy because at least for a few hours, I get to escape into someone else’s imagination and be entertained.

Of course, all of this is easier said. But the bottom line is you have to yank yourself up and out of depression. Everything in life is a choice and you have to decide not to be depressed or you will miss out on all the beauty that life has to offer.

......................Mary